“Secure”, “Disorganised”, “Anxious” or “Avoidant”
In the UK, most children at 8 go on a residential school trip for a working week. For many it’s the first time away from home without parents.
…how our caregivers have held us, or abandoned us, has a deep impact on subsequent experiences of relationship. These Attachments in early childhood inform our ability to let go of unhealthy relationships or dynamics.
Sometimes, being prepared to defend our inner child takes a “Dark Night” moment. The process of personal growth is hard for us all. This poem was written at a time of great change in my life, as I became prepared to defend, (and change), what I was allowing myself to let in and what I knew I need to let go of.
The School Trip
The tears that loomed All day
have finally spilled.
And over a lost page –
A checklist of what she will need
As she goes away.
Who is more anxious
At separation?
I am the one sitting up after midnight
Checking labels on luggage
And praying over folded clothes
That she will be ok.
Slipping notes into the wash bag.
Pondering which shoes
To squeeze into the case.
The trigger for the spill
Something quite different though:
The fear of another looming separation
Possibly to be made in defence of the vulnerable.
That part in me, that part in her.
The realisation that this life
Just gets more and more complicated.
And the tangle of relationship
Can pull you up mountains
And rip you from the trees.
That loving another
Can bring you back down to your knees
To that bleakest place –
Of feeling 8 years old
And just wanting to find home again.
This film has been made for the “Sometimes, Trauma…” project, which offers a range of support for survivors of trauma – from practical psychoeducation, individual therapy and online groups. It also seeks to support therapists working in this field.
The music is a clarinet quartet written and performed specifically to accompany this poem by Dave McKeown, who also edited the film.
Sometimes, Trauma... 